My liver just broke up with me...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
