I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
