Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
