I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
