Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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