I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
