If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
