Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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