I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
