Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
