I faked an abortion last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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