Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
