I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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