My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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