they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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