Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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