so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
