I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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