if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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