How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize