Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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