life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
