i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize