you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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