I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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