i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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