Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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