Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need to align my fucking chakras
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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