Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
