I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize