Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
