So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
