i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
