the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
