so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
