Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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