In the future we'll all be gay
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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