my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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