I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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