Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
