Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I believe in your delicious
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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