Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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