Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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