U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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