He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
