so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
