i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
