Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
