Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
