Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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