I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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