you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
