Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
