i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
