What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
